This blog is for all those out there who think they are alone suffering depression. I had already written a blog ready to post, all happy and my usual self, but never got round to posting it. Now that feels like I wrote it in another life time, such was the speed of my depression.So this is me now.
People can suffer depression for all sorts of reasons, because of divorce, loss of a job, all sorts of reasons can trigger it, and the way people handle it is also different, some people will shut themselves away from the world and not want to communicate, or they get angry at the slightest thing, or they just withdraw, their partners usually carry a very heavy load, and often struggle to cope themselves, everyone is different. Sometimes sadly depressed people leave this world, often probably never really meaning to, but to them at that moment in time, there seemed no other choice.
Most people know me as that lady that sells soap on a French market stall, who always has a smile on her face,and is laughing, what ever life throws at me,( and boy does it throw it at me sometimes) I can be the life and soul of the party and ready to have a go at anything,I am a flamboyant and "out there" person, and have the get up and go!, lets go for it attitude, tomorrows another day!
I have taken some pretty tough knocks in my time, but most times can always see the light at the end of the tunnel. But sometimes that light goes out so suddenly, that I can hardly believe the change in such a short time.
There is sometimes a reason,be it stress, illness of some sort, loss of a loved one, or sometimes there seems no reason at all, maybe one small thing that triggered the fall.
The fall can be so dramatic it is difficult to comprehend for the person who has never experienced a depression.
Depression is still a word that fills people with a fear. A fear of not knowing what to say, of what to do, or how to help a person with depression. also that it is something that you can pull yourself out of, the good old expression "just pull yourself together" is a killer! If only it were that easy.
It is also sadly something that people don't take seriously, it you had a broken leg or have been in an accident,or even some life threatening disease, then people know how to react, say you have depression and they soon move on, often thinking you are weak,and that they would never be like that!
Sadly it is not that easy,we all have times when we feel down and low, but that's not the same as real depression, it is a clinical condition, and no amount of "pull yourself together" has any affect what so ever, in fact it mostly adds to the misery that person feels, as it is the one thing they wish they could do, and not being able to do it makes them feel more inadequate and withdrawn.
I have chosen to write this in the hope that it will help others suffering the same distress as I feel in now, and maybe to help others to understand. It is, kind of frightening, as I am telling the world my biggest fears, but to hide those fears only continues the ignorance of a depressive illness.
It is also hard to write this now, its exhausting and distresses me, but depression is a little like having a baby, at the time of all the pain, you will be saying never again will I go through all that pain, but within a short time, you forget just how bad it was, so I must share it now.
The last period of depression was somewhere about ten years ago, after which I have stayed on medication, which appeared to work fine, until now, so now I have changed to a different one, and hope these work and re balance me soon.
Before that time I had several times of depression, for various reasons, sometimes post natal, sometimes stress, sometimes just happens, I guess I am just prone to this. it often took a month or two of antidepressants, sometimes more to right the imbalance, but most times I get through it and can see the light at the end of that tunnel again.
But getting there can be harrowing, and often the outside world will not see it, I may lose my smile, not laugh as much, and when I do it is often false, I keep going, doing the same things I always do, but its like I am on the outside of life, its just going on but I am not part of it, people talk to me but nothing is going in.
Even the most mundane everyday tasks like,cleaning,washing up, washing my hair, feel like a mountain to climb.
Noise is now so loud, its like bells ringing in my head sometimes.
People can suffer depression for similar reasons as me, divorce, loss of a job, all sorts of reasons can trigger it, and the way people handle it is also different, some people will shut themselves away from the world and not want to communicate, or they get angry or they just withdraw, everyone is different.
For men it can be almost worse,( not that it is) but men are supposed to be seen as strong, can not be seen to let out how they feel, they can not cry and often can not talk about it either.that would make them seem weak, so often they withdraw or seem like very grumpy people.
How sad it is that some people can view a person with depression as weak, they are battling the biggest battle of all, their mind, the mind controls everything we do,how our body works, weather it lives or dies.
This is my mind now.
There are the thoughts that start to take over my mind, there is one bit of my mind that is still logical,( that's the bit that is writing this I hope) then there is a whole other bit trying to take over, with thoughts like" what's the point of life any more, what's the point of getting out of bed each day,I don't care about myself, or anybody in fact, its all to much, why don't I just end the misery now".
That is my biggest fear.
The dangerous part in this thought pattern is in not recognising when I need real help, sadly not all people get this, or even know that they can be helped. I have reached that crisis point three times in my life, and felt the world,and all my loved ones would be better off without me, totally untrue, but when the mind tips over the edge of reason, there is no logic, and having my stomach pumped is the harsh reality of what can happen when that help is not there.
Another time my mind was set on a certain time of day, 3pm to be precise, where I would leave and just walk away never to be seen again, it did not seem to matter that I had five children to care for, it was like a clock ticking in my head, no amount of rational thinking would deter me from that course, except that I knew I needed to get help before that time. Luckily for me I did, and was admitted to hospital within the hour, where my mind had time to rest and re balance.
All this has happened over many years, and mostly I am that happy bubbly lady,but a depression can strike anyone of us at any time, and sometimes it strikes the people you least expect it to,so if you are one of those people, you are not alone,there is" always" light at the end of the tunnel, even if at the moment all you can can see is a big black cloud, ask for help, and no matter how hard it seems to get up and get out, do it, even if the tears are running down your face.
In my logical moments I know I am a very lucky person, and have some very good friends here who care very much about me, I have stood and set up my market just lately with tears running down my face and not a reason to say why, I had a stall holder serenade me on Friday to try to bring back my smile, others just hugged or showed they cared.
So to the people who see that person with the tears running down her, or his face,or he is grumpy and not himself, don't turn away and pretend not to notice, a friendly smile, a gentle hug, a cup of coffee, a squeeze of the hand, can make a world of difference, no advice or wise words are necessary, just to know someone cares is sometimes enough to re balance some ones world.
