Living in Paradise.

Not much in the way of news this month so I am just going to go with the flow. Body and mind are working like clockwork now and its almost to good to be true, but I know it is. I appear to have done the impossible and come off my antidepressants and diazepam for the first time in10years.

I have tried to get off these so many times over the years that I had really given up believing that it could happen.

All this I believe is down to the spiritual healing, after my mind returned to it former self, my body started to reject the antidepressants big time, and against medical advice I just stopped taking them, also the diazepam. I really believe the pain I have been carrying around for years has been removed, and this was my bodies way of saying I do not need them now. It is not something I would advise anyone to do without medical advice, but for me, so far so good. I am feeling on top of the world and have found a feeling of inner peace, in fact I feel so damned happy I want to jump for joy, then I start to wonder is this normal! Well as my friend Lisa said, “isn’t it sad that because you feel so happy you think it might not be normal”, what sort of world do we live in I ask myself? and I am sure I am not alone in that thought.

We are so bogged down with the shear pace of life that we hardly have time to think about being happy, the stresses and strains of making ends meet are a heavy weight to carry  and keep smiling. We get into a habit of putting all our effort into achieving our goals, that we hardly stop to think of the cost. The cost is usually our time and energy,leaving us little time to appreciate what we have now, and to enjoy it now!

I have come to realise that what I have now, “is everything”, the most important thing is contentment, that I can walk out of my door and feel that I live in paradise. But what is paradise? I may not have enough money, the house may be a tip, the jobs to do in the house may be piling up, but does this really matter? No! What matters to me is that I can smile and laugh every day.

That said, the last couple of weeks have been very stressful, and yes, one time I was reduced to a heap of tears, but only natural given the pressure, but still have to find some amusement in it all, and also some sense of achievement at actually getting through it!

Working all the Christmas fairs most of the weekends for the past month have been quite exhausting, and not altogether financially successful, but the same for a lot of traders it seems.

At the end of a very long weekend on a Sunday evening, a catalogue of catastrophes started to happen, as I said, not a great day, my friend who was with me was not in a good place, her husband had left her and she was struggling to come to terms with this, so she had come a long to keep herself busy, but it was a roller-coaster of emotions, So cheerful it had to be, at the end of the day it was looking good to get my big van in a good spot to pack up, so off I went to get it, on the way encountered another friend parked next to me, I manoeuvred my van so she could get out, and then my van stopped and would not start again, it was now bucketing down with rain, I rang the breakdown company, only realising I had not a clue where I was never mind pronounce it, so made a mad dash through the rain to find someone that could pronounce it. That done the brake down man arrived in about half hour, mean while, my friend continued to struggle through the pouring rain loading up the van, I peered hopefully under the bonnet as the man shook his head and pointed at belts, scratched his head and looked very grim (and wet) he informed me it could not be driven and it needed to be recovered by the tow truck, and we would be taken home in by taxi. Off he went and we decided to make the most of this interval and wait in the bar, and consume some very large glasses of wine. After an hour had passed I was getting slightly concerned about the taxi, but no sooner had I walked outside than we were being hailed by the taxi driver. This was an experience not to be repeated, after belting ourselves in, the driver and her husband got out a large map and had a big debate about which way to go, we all decided on a direction, and away we went,the map was still out, almost obscuring any vision through the front window. At various junctions we came to a stop and another debate was had, then off we would go again. The weather was still bucketing down, the wind was whipping the trees, and the taxi was haring along at 100km an hour, mostly on little back roads across country, I was starting to feel rather ill, by the time we dropped my friend off I just wanted to get out of the car and walk the rest of the way, I just kept jabbering away in French trying to keep my mind off the mad driving. I got back in one piece, but could not face eating anything when I got home, in fact, when I walked in through the door, George said “ you look very stressed Mum” bit of an understatement! The following few days involved organising getting the van repaired, new cam belt, any profit from the Christmas fairs quickly disappeared. I had a market on the Wednesday so had to drive over an hour to go load up my little van with my stock and bring it home.

Then drive all the way over again on the Friday to pick up the repaired van, which in true French fashion was not ready, even though I had phoned ahead and he promised me it was! So we decided to have a look round the pretty town of Aubertare while they finish off, and of course found a very nice Bar for refreshment.

No sooner had a week gone by, along with a very empty bank account after the cost of van repair, than the water heater in the house sprang a leak tripping off all the electric, the electrics in the house do leave a lot to be desired! But after unplugging the water heater and turning off the water, we at least had electric, but no hot water. Called a plumber the next day, who came and had a look and announced that a new water tank was needed, so after he gave me a quote, and I nearly fell off my chair! I told him to go ahead. This was Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon when I go to start the car, it wont start, it had not been going right for a while, but now it was dead! That just about topped it off, a very large Gin and Tonic was needed, so by the time my friends came round for dinner later I was feeling much better “hic”.

By Tuesday we had our new water fitted and a very overdrawn bank account! The car? Well, still looking a bit sad, and not moving anywhere at all!

Other strange happening have been to do with the lovely French man I met, not that I have seen anything of him, but his new girlfriend, a demented and extremely jealous French women has decided to verbally attack me by private message on face-book, then she got her mates to join in as well! All very new to me this, all a bit childish really, it seems every time things are not going well with them, she starts sending me messages ranting and raving like some deranged hormonal teenager, all this from a 50 something school teacher! George tells me French girls are like this! Girls maybe, but mature women! Its weird, wouldn’t be so bad if I had actually seen him or even spoke to him!what is there to be jealous of for gods sake! Apparently she is going to destroy me! suppose I should be worried if it were not so comical, and a little sad at the same time.

Life, it has to be said, is never dull here, as you can see.

Out of the Wilderness and into the Sunshine

Hi everyone, well this last month has certainly been a journey of enlightenment. The last time I wrote as you will have read, I was in a very bad place. After visiting my doctor a couple of times, changing medication, and nothing really changing.  I decided to put my faith where my heart really is. With spiritual healing, many times now I have been told I have an aura around me, and that I am a healer, so why not try it.
This was so profound, and made such a miraculous difference to my well being, it was almost unbelievable. To me it felt natural, but even "I" was amazed and kept waiting for the fall to happen, almost disbelieving what was happening to me and the stuff that I was able to see. I will not go into all the details, but broadly speaking, I found  a healer, who revisited my past life, also my future life. Now I know there are lots of you out there who are very sceptical about this sort of thing, but all I can say is that this is my experience, it is not for me to lead anyone to this path it is personal choice.

So my healer does healing work on me, finding where trauma is in my body and doing healing work on those parts. It was interesting that the first thing she said to me is that I was screaming inside, anyone with depression knows that feeling very well! gradually over the next two weeks a change in me was taking place,I could see myself  very clearly, but at a distance,  I could see myself coming back, but I was still an empty shell. Over this period a friend of mine also gave me regular Reiki treatments.
After less than two weeks I attended a spiritual workshop, where again my aura was felt and one of the healers on that day singled me out to do more healing on me. The day its self was very interesting, and I would even go as far as to say it was one of the most special days in my life, in so far as it enabled me to feel and see what had been missing in my life, and that I can access it myself with guidance.
That was on Sunday, by Monday I could actually see myself as another person just beyond my grasp, but knew I was nearly back, Tuesday I was back, and I could hardly believe it, by Wednesday everybody noticed! I could look in the mirror, I could put my make up on, I was alive again, and "wow" did it feel good.
By Friday when I got to market my other trader friends could not believe the change either, my artist friend actually took his glasses off to look at my face, and admitted it was a miracle, and he kept coming back just to check! Every friend I have encounter since then has said " you look so much better, we were so worried, it was not you".
The following Friday when I arrived in the small dark hours of the morning at Bramtome Market, The stall holder next to me, a lovely French/ Mexican woman came up to me and said that "I was so beautiful, and look so well, and full of life" and how have I done it, so I will pass my knowledge on.

Some big changes since I last wrote, George has moved on to Lycee ( which is like college) but he boards there Monday to Friday, big change for him at only 15yrs. He is training to be an electrician as well as continuing his education, I am pleased to say he has taken to it like a duck to water and is really enjoying it, made lots of new friends and given him a new perspective on his future goals. So the house is very quiet now, which feels a little strange, but Max is more than making up for it bombing about on his 50cc moblette. This little bike had been sitting in one of our pig sheds since we bought the place and god knows for how many years before that, so I was amazed when Max got it out, bought some fuel, and it started! so Max can now be seen tearing up and down the lanes, at a sensible speed, he tells me!

My lovely French man filters in and out of my life, he is still in a big hole I think, and is floundering around desperately trying to replace the life he once had, think he has a fixed idea of how life should be, and I really don't fit the picture! apparently I am to nice, and I think, scare him to death!   This has been a bit of an eye opener, and a little sad at times, but all a learning curve on the cultural differences. French people do not particularly like change, and tend to stick to the way they have done things for years, this seems to go for relationships as well, to some extent. When I met this man his picture was "this is what I have" big lovely house over looking fields, swimming pool, good job and so on, and want to start a beautiful story" well, once divorce set in, his life fell apart, and starting  a new story became just too much with someone like me. I change from day to day, I am really unconventional and you never know what I might do next! I can see how this does not fit with the picture he has, it requires him to step outside the box! To go down a road that he is not familiar with. To boldly go where no man has been before!! ( well not exactly, but couldn't resist that line) Has he got the guts to do it?  time will tell I suppose, but at the moment no!
I do not want to walk the same roads as I have walked before, I want life to be full of different stuff, spontaneous, and full of laughter. Most of the time it is, and one thing I can say is that there is rarely a dull moment in this house! And that's just the way I like it ;)

A Day in the widnerness

Firstly, can I thank all those people out there who have written to share their own experiences, some have said it has helped to know they are not alone, others have said they wished they could have expressed how they have felt when going through a depression, others have sent support and said how brave I am for writing so openly about depressional illness. I thank you all, it has helped a great deal.

I don't know where to start with this blog, I do not really even feel like writing, but my dear friend Lisa said I should continue, as one day she says, this is how I will make my living, through my writing, and writing about the stuff that changes peoples lives, stuff that makes them stop and think.

So, where am I now? Not in a good place still, some days it feels like I am getting back to my old self, just for a little part of the day.

Some people still ask why do I feel like this, as if there must be a reason? So still the message does not get through, as I said in my earlier blog there may be lots of reasons why a person my feel low, but normally we get through, pick ourselves up, and get on with it. Except when our brain has a chemical imbalance it takes an enormous amount of strength to pick ourselves up, our brains are on shut down, and no matter how much some days we try, its just not happening.

Just the slightest stress is sending me spiralling at the moment, never mind any big stress!. Having to think about to many things is a major problem, trying to remember what I said a few moments ago, kids asking me whats for tea? and at the same time what are we doing tomorrow? Sees me run from the room in floods of tears, as my mind tries to process the answer and fails. Then every one else is upset, because I am upset, because I am supposed to cope, which makes me feel worse.

But sometimes there does seem some light, and even some future plans, which is a good sign, but that comes and goes. I keep going out weather I feel like it or not.

Last week I was my at my lowest , there were a number of upsetting events, which came to a climax on Friday, the clock in my head was ticking again, and was on countdown. By Friday morning I knew I was out of control, but nothing could stop me, I did my market, and no one was any the wiser as to what was going on in my head. I had a dead line, and my deadline depended on other people, never a good move, as you can not depend on other people to be in the right place at the right time.

After arriving at my destination at my chosen time, the people concerned were not there, so one tablet after another I swallowed, and every 15 minutes that passed I decided I would swallow more.I do not know how many of you out there believe in guardian angels, but I certainly have one watching over me. What I needed to happen did happen, and brought me back to reality, but it was a very close call.

In the cold reality of day it seems so stupid to contemplate such a thing, but my mind was in another place, a very dark and lonely, black place. It is almost shameful, I have a wonderful live, I have beautiful children, good friends, and most of the time my life is full of laughter and smiles, there are some tears, but mostly my cup is overflowing with the effervescence of good things to come. So why? All I can say is my mind lost its balance for a while there, and left me in a wilderness so bleak I lost sight of any reality.

To write this has its hardships, one of which is to try to explain to my children why this happens to me sometimes, and not to just me, as one in three people will at sometime in their lives suffer a period of depression for what ever reason. My children watch me fall apart, they see me hurting and they ask why? I hope my honesty will help them, and others to understand, and hopefully one day we will have a generation who will understand the depths that depression can take someone.

Although this blog is sad, the light is coming through and I am know it will continue, each day has its moments when I feel like myself again, may those moments increase each day a little bit more.

In contrast, and to show just how fast a depression can take hold I am now going to add a blog I had written ready to post just a month ago, did'nt I sound happy and full of life. Hopefully my next blog will see me back there again.

Never a dull moment.

No sooner was I back from Australia than it was time to fly off to the uk for the renewing of marriage vows of my good friends Lisa and Mags.The marriage was in Bristol at a very nice country hotel, Lisa had asked me to do a reading at the ceremony, even though I hate public speaking, for them I agreed, but Lisa being Lisa, and running round like a headless chicken before the wedding, did not give me the reading till just before the ceremony! Arghhh!, not a simple reading, but half a page of very deep and emotional words!    I have to say the two gin and tonics before hand did help!

The ceremony was lovely and Mags managed to not collapse in a heap of nerves. Then followed the wedding breakfast, where  a mad moment came over me at the time of the speeches, as there was no one from Lisa's family there, I felt someone had to say something, so up I got once again, public speaking! what the hell came over me!,so I told stories of how we first met and what a treasured  friend Lisa is, Mags also, and how much I am going to miss them both, when they leave for America.

Sally's boyfriend Adam was also with us, but at the time of booking the hotel it was not expected he could make it, so we had booked a room for me and Sally, on arrival at our hotel room we find a double bed! not two singles as hoped.  Adam, never short of a solution, went off for a wander and soon comes back hastily knocking on the door with a "Quick Quick" to open up, he has a bed in tow that he has sneaked out of a laundry room!

The evening party saw lots of dancing and getting to know another friend of Lisa's, who I had met only once before, her name was also Sally, she had been coming with a friend, but her friend was ill so she had come on her own.  On discussion about rooms, it was decided that I share a room with her and leave the two love birds to a room of their own. So at the end of the night off we toddled to her room at the top of the hotel, which turned out to be a very hot room, as we are lying there in this double bed, boiling hot even with a fan on, I say to her " well this is different" "do you share a bed often with a complete stranger" to which we both fell about laughing at the situation we found ourselves in.

Two weeks later my a friend Margaret  and her son Jordan arrive to spend a week with us in France, what a fun packed week we had, it started on the night they arrived with the Bal de Pompiers," Fireman's Ball", there may have been a few too many red wines! but what a fun night, George was mortified that his mother got down on the floor in front of about 13 young men to do that rowing dance, only to find it had turned in to a surfing dance and young men were being passed over our heads!, ( don't actually remember much about that!)  I was rescued a couple of times by firemen ( always handy to have around when the floor moves!!)  We arrived home at 4am so everyone a little tired next day.

The following day was Bastille day and a open air Rock opera at the local town castle was the evening plan, there again we find ourselves in a predicament, Margaret and I decided we would get a good view if we sat on a wall, spying a good spot we try and scramble up, but find its to high, so she gives me a leg up, then I would help her up, well apart from giggling to much, I could not get her up, so some kind gent helped her up, nearly throwing her over the wall! after about an hour and a half,her legs had gone dead, and I felt that if I attempted to jump off, I would most likely leave my dress attached to the wall, so we were stuck, until my friend Heather called to ask where we were? to which I had to reply, that we were stuck on a wall, and help!

Friday night we were invited to Heathers to eat with other friends, again a different night, we ate outside and then Karaoke was decided, so out comes the laptop and everyone joins in the fun,  we all chose a tune and sang it if we wanted to or we all sang, George was very impressive with a solo rendition of "Nicleback, How you remind me" what a good voice he has, Max also did well. I gave it my best shot with John Lennon's "Imagine". Thinking about this afterwards I am struck by how little times change, Karaoke with a group of friends is just like a modern-day version off the old days when family and friends would sing together. It also struck me how being here seems to bring out stuff like this, where everybody feels more relaxed and able to give it a go, young lads of 15 and 13 would not be seen dead singing at a night out with a group of adults in the uk, where street cred is all important.



 

Depression

This blog is for all those out there who think they are alone suffering depression. I had already written a blog ready to post, all happy and my usual self, but never got round to posting it. Now that feels like I wrote it in another life time, such was the speed of my depression.So this is me now.

People can suffer depression for all sorts of  reasons, because of divorce, loss of a job, all sorts of reasons can trigger it, and the way people handle it is also different, some people will shut themselves away from the  world and not want to communicate, or they get angry at the slightest thing, or they just withdraw, their partners usually carry a very heavy load, and often struggle to cope themselves, everyone is different. Sometimes sadly depressed people leave this world, often probably never really meaning to, but to them at that moment in time, there seemed no other choice.

Most people know me as that lady that sells soap on a French market stall, who always has a smile on her face,and is laughing, what ever life throws at me,( and boy does it throw it at me sometimes)  I can be the life and soul of the party and ready to have a go at anything,I am a flamboyant and "out there" person, and  have the get up and go!, lets go for it attitude, tomorrows another day!
I have taken some pretty tough knocks in my time, but most times can always see the light at the end of the tunnel. But sometimes that light goes out so suddenly, that I can hardly believe the change in such a short time.

There is sometimes a reason,be it stress, illness of some sort, loss of a loved one, or sometimes there seems no reason at all, maybe one small thing that triggered the fall.
The fall can be so dramatic it is difficult to comprehend for the person who has never experienced a depression.

Depression is still a word that fills people with a fear. A fear of not knowing what to say, of what to do, or how to help a person with depression. also that it is something that you can pull yourself out of, the good old expression "just pull yourself together" is a killer! If only it were that easy.
It is also sadly something that people don't take seriously, it you had a broken leg or have been in an accident,or even some life threatening disease, then people know how to react, say you have depression and they soon move on, often thinking you are weak,and that they would never be like that!

Sadly it is not that easy,we all have times when we feel down and low, but that's not the same as real depression, it is a clinical condition, and no amount of "pull yourself together" has any affect what so ever, in fact it mostly adds to the misery that person feels, as it is the one thing they wish they could do, and not being able to do it makes them feel more inadequate and withdrawn.

I have chosen to write this in the hope that it will help others suffering the same distress as I feel in now, and maybe to help others to understand. It is, kind of frightening, as I am telling the world my biggest fears, but to hide those fears only continues the ignorance of a depressive illness.

It is also hard to write this now, its exhausting and distresses me, but depression is a little like having a baby, at the time of all the pain, you will be saying never again will I go through all that pain, but within a short time, you forget just how bad it was, so I must share it now.

The last period of depression was somewhere about ten years ago, after which I have stayed on medication, which appeared to work fine, until now, so now I have changed to a different one, and hope these work and re balance me soon.

Before that time I had several times of depression, for various reasons, sometimes post natal, sometimes stress, sometimes just happens, I guess I am just prone to this. it often took a month or two of antidepressants, sometimes more to right the imbalance, but most times I get through it and can see the light at the end of that tunnel again.

 But getting there can be harrowing, and often the outside world will not see it, I may lose my smile, not laugh as much, and when I do it is often false, I keep going, doing the same things I always do, but its like I am on the outside of life, its just going on but I am not part of it, people talk to me but nothing is going in.
Even the most mundane everyday tasks like,cleaning,washing up, washing my hair, feel like a mountain to climb.
Noise is now so loud, its like bells ringing in my head sometimes.

People can suffer depression for similar reasons as me, divorce, loss of a job, all sorts of reasons can trigger it, and the way people handle it is also different, some people will shut themselves away from the  world and not want to communicate, or they get angry or they just withdraw, everyone is different.
For men it can be almost worse,( not that it is) but men are supposed to be seen as strong, can not be seen to let out how they feel, they can not cry and often can not talk about it either.that would make them seem weak, so often they withdraw or seem like very grumpy people.
How sad it is that some people can view a person with depression as weak, they are battling the biggest battle of all, their mind, the mind controls everything we do,how our body works, weather it lives or dies.

This is my mind now.
There are the thoughts that start to take over my mind, there is one bit of my mind that is still logical,( that's the bit that is writing this I hope) then there is a whole other bit trying to take over, with thoughts like" what's the point of life any more, what's the point of getting out of bed each day,I don't care about myself, or anybody in fact, its all to much, why don't I just end the misery now".

That is my biggest fear.

The dangerous part in this thought pattern is in not recognising when I need real help, sadly not all people get this, or even know that they can be helped. I have reached that crisis point three times in my life, and felt the world,and all my loved ones would be  better off without me, totally untrue, but when the mind tips over the edge of reason, there is no logic, and having my stomach pumped is the harsh reality of what can happen when that help is not there.

 Another time my mind was set on a certain time of day, 3pm to be precise, where I would leave and just walk away never to be seen again, it did not seem to matter that I had five children to care for, it was like a clock ticking in my head, no amount of rational thinking would deter me from that course, except that I knew I needed to get help before that time. Luckily for me I did, and was admitted to hospital within the hour, where my mind had time to rest and re balance.

All this has happened over many years, and mostly I am that happy bubbly lady,but a depression can strike anyone of us at any time, and sometimes it strikes the people you least expect it to,so if you are one of those people, you are not alone,there is" always" light at the end of the tunnel, even if at the moment all you can can see is a big black cloud, ask for help, and no matter how hard it seems to get up and get out, do it, even if the tears are running down your face.
In my logical moments I know I am a very lucky person, and have some very good friends here who care very much about me, I have stood and set up my market just lately with tears running down my face and not a reason to say why, I had a stall holder serenade me on Friday to try to bring back my smile, others just hugged or showed they cared.

So to the people who see that person with the tears running down her, or his face,or he is grumpy and not himself, don't turn away and pretend not to notice, a friendly smile, a gentle hug, a cup of coffee, a squeeze of the hand, can make a world of difference, no advice or wise words are necessary, just to know someone cares is sometimes enough to re balance some ones world.

What a Wonderfull Life

As I seem to say every time I sit down to write this blog "where does the time go?" into July, and so much has happened since I last wrote that I hardly know where to start.

The beginning of May saw me flying off to Australia, this came completely out of the blue one Sunday morning, I had been saying every year, that maybe "next year" I would go out and see my sister, but next year never happens, as there is never any spare money, even less than ever now. So I sat in my lovely courtyard and suddenly decide "I'm going", like next week! somehow I am going.

Well deciding I am going is one thing, paying for it another, so I rang my sister and told her I would be visiting within the next two weeks, and that the universe will help me get there, she at this point thought her big sister was going a bit mad,but then she started to get her head together when she realised I was totally serious, between us we got together the exact amount for my flight. Next was to get Sallys flight from somewhere,as I'd decided she was coming to, luckily her dad said he would pay for her, and he would also lend me the spending money, on one of those elastic loans!!! Such a nice man.
So it was booked, Sally could hardly believe it and kept ringing me to ask are we really going? It was all a little manic, kids were staying with friends, if a little disappointed that they could not go too, next time maybe, but lets hope that's not in another 21 years, which is when I went last.

Before we went my sister Alison was going into panic mode because I was being so laid back about this, and kept saying the universe will take care of things, which of course it did. We had a 22 hour stopover in Dubai which is a long time, Alison was going into melt down about this, and thoughts of her having to come rescue me from some Dubai prison/hospital were running high on her list, I was getting frantic emails about what to do, and not to do.

Well as I said the universe will provide and it did, in the name of a good friend Kalpana, who happened to pop up on facebook saying she was in Dubai, so after little chatting on Facebook, our stay in Dubai was organised, and it was fantastic, she picked us up from the airport at 7am took us back to where she was staying at her cousins house, after a little rest and catch up, we went in to Dubai to have a wander round the Malls. It was so great to get a glimpse of the culture there.

We had some good laughs as Kalpana had only been driving there for a week, so was still getting used to the place herself, she knew there was a short cut to her place somewhere, thought she had found it a couple of times, one of which we ended up stuck in the desert sand! me and Sally had to leap out and push the car out, back onto the 4 lane highway, where everyone drives big white hummer type cars like madmen! Sally was funny as all she kept saying afterwards was" isn't this sand really soft". Third time we found it, then got warned by the guard on the gate to use the road next time and not drive over the sand! naughty girl Kalpana.
After a lovely evening meal Kalpana took us back to the airport at 1am ready to meet our next flight to Australia at 5am.

We landed in Australia about 8pm, and my sister was "late", thinking that it would take us ages to figure out language etc, she of little faith!
It was so good to see her, also how much she had changed,Not really seen her for 14 years, and then before that we had lived different lives. She was always the annoying little sister, who always got what she wanted, always slamming doors and having tantrums! and to her I was the annoying big sister, turned Earth Mother person who seem to float through life on another cloud.

Well, Earth mother and stroppy little sister are now on a level footing, we got on like a house on fire (not an expression to use over there!) we had such a great time with Ali Brian and her 2 girls Georgia and Rachel,
Australia has changed a lot in 21 years, and then again, it has not. There seems to be a lot of crime there now, with people having to be very security conscious.

I could not get my head round everything in the supermarkets,everything is so big, and they have everything ready to go. Salad, veg washed, onions peeled, all ready to go, meat marinaded in everything you could possibly think of, ready for the BBQ. I called it crazy lazy!

But three weeks flew by all to fast, and it was time to leave my little sis and her lovely family, with promises that she will try and visit in three years time, lets hope so. Wonder where life will find me then?
Sadly when I arrived back it was to the news that someone had broken into the house, not taken anything, cooked themselves chips, slept in my bed, in my "pyjamas!!", police had been and taken fingerprints, but nothing had been taken, they assume this was either some pervert or someone who has some axe to grind! well who knows, put it behind me and hope they don't come back.

Since coming back from my holiday I decided to go back to my meditation class, after chatting to Brenda,(our tutor) about my holiday she asked me to relate the events of my trip to the class, as the theme of this particular class was " There's no such thing as coincidence". I believe this to be the case, its just too many coincidences, that I chose that particular time to go to oz, that the exact fare for me could be found, that a friend just happened to be in Dubai, that my sisters boss had gone away for that three weeks, which meant she could work from home, and be much more flexible the whole of our stay. Some may say coincidence, but I think it was meant to happen that way.


Sadly I had to say good bye to my lovely French man for now, he has way to many problems on his plate, and having a girl friend three hours away was just more than he could cope with, I have every faith that he is there in the future somewhere, but maybe this is not the time. Also I think I need to settle and find my own space a little," is this possible" I ask myself? I have put it out there to the universe, so we will see what comes back.
One thing is for sure, it will never be dull and with out laughter or tears!

Learning Curves

I can not believe how fast this year is flying by, and how many chances happen in so short a time. For many years I thought I did not like change, and have been a little frightened of it, but I now find I am not afraid of change any more. I look back over the last few years and am amazed at just how many changes I have gone through, and still come out smiling.
This line of thought has come about not just because of my own personal changes, but by the changes to the lives of people I hold dear to my heart. One of those friends just happened to say that she would maybe move from here after the children are all independent, this friend is one of my rocks in life. I was shaken by this statement, although this was just a passing thought on her part, just expressing possibilities, with no great intention to do any thing. Nevertheless I suddenly felt unstable.

Not to long after that my friend Lisa announced that she would be returning to America at the end of the summer for financial reasons, my world took another jolt, as she is another one of my rocks. Suddenly life seems to be changing to fast and I was wobbleing.

But slowly I realise I am not wobbleing that much, and that my own life may just as easily take a different direction, but that does'nt seem to faze me at all any more, change is ok, and opens up so many possibilities in life. Friends, good friends, will always be with me no matter where they live.

Finding a new love in my life has been a learning curve to, one I am not finding easy. Funny how I always thought I was not in control of life, that I sort of crashed through it! now I realise I was, and am, in total control! But when I am not in control, wow! how I lose it! A realisation that is taking some ajusting to,

As I said in my last blog I met a new man, like him at lot, a big lot! and the feeling is mutual, but he has some issues to get through, some issues that are hard for him to deal with, he is a kind and sensitive man, and does not want me to be involved with his problems, and to give him time and space to sort himself out. So this is were I find out I can not be in control, waiting is not one of my best attributes, I want to jump in and save him, sort it all out! be a ride in the park for me!. But no, I have to leave him to sort it his own way, in his own time, Another one of life,s lessons I have to learn, "to wait" stand back and do nothing.

So the sun is shining and life is good, George is having his Birthday Bash in the garden, about 15 young people have camped out in the garden last night, I left them to BBQ, there were flames leaping from the BBQ at one point, and one young man appeared at the door to ask for water to put the flames out! at that point I did step in and take control for a while, but let them carry on after that.

Don't think anyone has slept much, play station and films have been played, so far one table and one chair have come to grief, which they tell me they will repair!! I have just delivered a mound of American Pancakes and suggested that a rubbish bag could be used to put rubbish in perhaps? There I go again being in control! let go. One young lady has just come in to wash her face, as chocolate spread seems to be all over her face, I think George might have something to do with this as I clocked him being chased up the road a few minutes earlier.
Still, There is no greater feeling than seeing them enjoying themselves.

March Already!

Where does the time go? the weeks seem to be flying by so fast already this year. But I am not sad to see the winter past, as I really do not like this cold weather, and the constant battle to keep this house warm.
So the sunny days are a welcome sight, and thoughts of summer just around the corner, I have a good feeling about this summer.

Not so much to say as winter is quiet everywhere here, but still there have been some highlights! Matthew came out to stay for two weeks which was really great, hopefully he will visit again soon, and not think my life is totally mad! I think he injoyed his stay, the boys loved having him here, he too had to use the chainsaw and cut loads of wood for me. We enjoyed some nights out with friends, had some friends over to eat and a good time was had by all. But "plimsolls"in the winter!Matthew? not good here, as its just to cold to stand on the market early in the morning, he quickly donned Georges ski pants, padded shirts and more suitable footwear.
I have battled for years to get Matthew to wear warmer clothes, never a coat! guess its time to give that one up!
My battle to get some finanicial help here is improving, but not without some tramatic action, the last time I visited my social worker, we got  nowhere, infact, me and Heather were so frustrated with the whole system, that we both just sat in her office with tears rolling down our faces, how can a country just flatly refuse to give you any help, when you have children to feed, but that is what happens, she said I could not have any emergency payments, no wood for heating, zero! I would have to give up my bussiness and go unimployed then I would get help. She could freeze my depts, which of course I would have to pay back, I think she wanted me off her back. So we walked away with nothing, and I refused to give up my bussiness, as doing that meant a new claim, and most likely the loss of the old claim, with all my back pay,So NO.

So we go to the Bar and have Gin and Tonic! and dicuss our next move to get this system to work for me, which meant we wrote letters to the British Embassy,and sent copies to local MPs, two local maries, and of course all the agencies involved in my case. Action happened almost instantly, my dossier flew off the persons desk it had been sitting on, who had said she couldnt move forward with it before she had a court date to confirm my separation from my husband. well suddenly that was not nessasary, and it was completed and moved forward. The British Embassy rang me to say it was all in place and any more problems to get back to them, all back pay should be paid, so I can pay my depts. Back pay not arrived as yet, but one normal monthy payment has arrived, so I big sigh of relief, and many Gin and Tonics to celebrate later at Heathers.


In an effort to get myself into some sort of presentable shape, I have aquired a few bits of gym equitment,not great, but they work, in a fashion! and have set up what I like to call  "The Gym" in the barn, so every day I try to do some workout, even just thinking about it is a workout I have decided! those are the days I don't go into the barn! On top of that I have been walking with my mate round our local lake at St Estephe, beautiful, there is a raft boat to cross over the lake, which also involves pulling yourself across, all good from the fitness point of view. Can not really see any results from all this effort yet! but maybe its difficult to see change in yourself unless its dramatic, which brings me onto my next subject.

 This Year is a time of change for me, so I decided to do something about it, and what fun it has been! I signed up on a dateing agency, well why not! we have had much amusment in looking for a suitable victim! it was no easy task, as when looking at men around the same age, many looked like......well! Your Grandad, which of course many are, except we don't see ourselves the same somehow. we still think we look...., sort of, younger, and we still think"like" we, "are" young, but, wake up and smell the roses Christine!!! I am not young any more, but not looking to bad I think, on a good day! in a good light! and with dark glasses on!
So there were some potential victims interested, sent a photo to a few, who were keen, some got back to me, some didnt, obviously I looked scary, bad photo perhaps, or even their computor may have broke! they were to short anyway, difficult to find a tall french man!
But then I got a green flash( bad word to use,but thats what you get) from someone who "Rocked my Boat" "Lit my fire"just his eyes said "write to me", so I did, or should I say, we did, as french writing is beyond me sometimes. but got round that problem, and he writes some english anyway, and "Hay" we have google translate! he lives 3 hours away, so we agree to meet half way.This was a most nerve racking experience,and it took more than a few diazipam to keep the nerves at bay, I think I should of offered him some as he was shaking like a leaf also!  I have been wined and dined a few times now and he is soooo nice. So "watch this space" not saying any more on that subject yet.

Yesterday was a first for me, and not a pleasant one! our foss septic had blocked up, no man here now to sort this out, so had to get on with it, after taking the covers off the inspection places in the garden, I could see that not much was happening, so gloves on and very long hose pipe, wedged the ball cock down in the toilet, so the water ran continuously, eventually with a lot of wangling of the hose pipe the blockage cleared, not pleasant,! but job done. And a very long shower afterwards!  Life in rural France, every day a new experience! But roll on mains drains!

So that's all for now, keep in touch.X

In to the New Year

New Year was party time at our house, Sally was still with us so I had some help in preparation. There had been some sadness after the "Lost One" left, but it was now time to pick myself up and to see the New year in with my good friends.
A party always seems like a good idea at the time you think about it, until it comes to the day, then you get to thinking "who's Idea was this?"as panic starts to set in.
Sally had decided to have her hair done on the morning of the party, bad move! as this took her away all morning, leaving me to try and organise my thoughts about what I should be doing first. By the time she came back I was on my first diazepam and starting to shout at everyone in sight.  I had fetched two of Georges mates who were going to be staying over, they thought they were coming to hang out and play on the play station, they got that wrong!

So the boys started to dismantle my bed, as what is being used as my bedroom at the moment was the dance floor for the party. So there was a slow procession of all my stuff out to one of the old pig sheds. There were intermittent moans from the boys and lots of "are we done yet" by mid afternoon they were aloud free time.

Soon after that Nico arrived with his Disco, so the boys once again had to lend a hand.The party was also a celebration of Nico's Birthday. That took a little while to set up, but in a couple of hours it was all looking good. Shower and change,  except I had neglected to get my clothes out of my draws, and no way could I now get to those draws, this was a bit of a set back! there was then about a hour of me trying every dress on and throwing it off because I had nothing to wear with it, by now I was becoming hysterical about what I could wear. Time to get a drink!. Anyhow settled on a dress, who cares anyway, which is what I love about France.

The Party was a great success, people danced, talked, or sat outside round the chiminera burning logs, kids had a great time and at mid night we all went out onto the street to greet the New Year.

At some point later I started to go into a Panic attack, its funny, my friends seem to see this coming before I did, they kept saying" you ok Chris?" eventually I said, " well No", After a bit of night walking with my mate Heather we got that under control and returned to the Party.

Sally and me finally said goodbye to everybody at about 5am and I crashed out on the sofa at 6am declaring that a good night was had by all. Sally stayed another week, which seemed to be all go as usual ,wood needed cutting for the fire so we saw Sally wielding a chain saw!! scary. She was sooooo tired for days after that.But it has to be said, well done Sal x.

There was just one other incident before Sally left, and that was the suicidal owl, Sally was driving over to our friend Lisa's one evening, when out of the blue crashed a large owl, hitting the top of the car. Sally was beside herself, no sign of the victim afterwards, one assumes he found his resting place. After some debate about this, like," could this have been avoided?" and," was it anyone's fault?" we concluded that the owls time must have been up, and that he chose our car, as he knew sally would send him on his way with care, Bless her!

                                          Wilson wondering what's going on here tonight?

                                           My stripped floor at last!

                                            The Kids having a great time.

                                               Time to Party

    Midnight                                             

                                                     Me and my Girl X

                                               And the night goes on.

Christmas Past

Where does the time go? What happened to doing a weekly blog, note to myself " Must Keep up with Blog".

Seriously though, it is scary how fast life whizzes by. The last time I blogged I had suddenly realised it was Christmas in 3 weeks, also that my husband ( do I call him my husband, or ex, or estranged, I really don't know) I prefer to call him "lost", as that's where I think he is. Anyway building up to this, I get myself into quite a stressful state, as most of us do. Why do we do this every year, its bonkers, but we do it anyway.
We as mothers ( or parents,not wishing to offend anyone) strive to produce the perfect Christmas for everyone we care for. So this involves cleaning the house from top to bottom for some weird reason, Why? do we think the people who live with us are suddenly going to get up on Christmas morning and say." Wow the house is so clean, this will make Christmas so much better".No! they will get up and not even notice.

I found myself, having to finish my kitchen floor ( it looks great  by the way, photos after). then because I had finished the floor, and got the tree up, and the decorations up. I decided to repair a chair that i had bought a couple of years ago, because, I thought it would look nice in there for Christmas. A couple of friends pointed out that this was insane, and I tended to agree so took the Chair back to the barn.

I look around and find most of my friends are equally frazzled, my mate Heather decided she would finish tiling her kitchen Christmas week,it had been in that half finished state since god knows when, so why start that then? but she did and it looks great, still not finished, maybe next Christmas!

Also in my stressed state I find my blood pressure going up, face very red ( no not the wine) feeling slightly unbalanced (nothing new) so I visit my French friends who have a machine to measure this. Oh dear, there were lots of shaking of heads and proclaiming the need to visit the docs, as it was high.
So I visit my mate Lisa and discuss this, she says I should go, and I say," but I have no time to go to the doctors" and we both look at each other and burst out laughing at how ridicules that statement was.
So I go. Now I like my doctor, but it has to be said that he has a fascination for the breast area in some ladies. I begin by telling him that I think I have high blood pressure, that my face is going very very red. He is then   proclaiming that my face is beautiful, nothing wrong with it at all, absolutely beautiful! he whips out his stethoscope and proceeds to listen to my chest, I think he listened to every inch of my chest! said it was all ok but to come back if any more problems. I was having a devil of a job keeping a straight face. They do say laughter is good for you, well it certainly gave Heather a laugh when I called on her afterwards.

So my "Lost one"(husband) arrived on the Monday before Christmas, bit strange but really, just like it always was, which is nice. But it doesn't take long to see  the warning signs. then we walk on eggshells. I can see he is stressed, even having his family around is really to much. But to be fair he did manage very well, I think, only lost it once over the turkey carving!

There we were, the four of us, all sat round the table, with this simple meal that we cook all the time on other days, but today takes military precision. Unfortunately I asked Lost one to calve, well I am not to officiant in the knife department, and they are not very sharp. I had tried to sharpen one, but not very well it seems! I could have said things like, "not a good idea to have sharp knives in this house" but don't think that would have helped!

So, After finding that the knife would not calve, Lost one 'stabbed' the turkey and left the table!
Max rolled his eyes and looked daggers at me, George looked confused.  I wished I was somewhere else.
But as always, life goes on, we pulled crackers and continue Christmas lunch, read out the cracker jokes, and pretend this is normal, which it is, if you live with someone with such problems of the mind.

Lost one went to sleep on the sofa, no doubt locked in his own world of frustration and confusion at his own actions.  I am once again filled with a huge sadness that I cannot help or reach this man, nor can he help himself.

Anyway, Lost one regained his former self later in the day, and when offered something to eat later,was unsure if he wanted the uneaten Christmas lunch, but gave it a go. It seems he was far to offended by that turkey to eat it, so left that to one side! or maybe he just doesn't like turkey any more! Who knows.

Sally arrived on boxing day,so a full house again. Lost one left on the Monday, and promptly arrived at the ferry 24hours to early, having left a day early by mistake, where is his head I wonder yet again.

I think I will leave New Year to the next blog.