A Day in the widnerness

Firstly, can I thank all those people out there who have written to share their own experiences, some have said it has helped to know they are not alone, others have said they wished they could have expressed how they have felt when going through a depression, others have sent support and said how brave I am for writing so openly about depressional illness. I thank you all, it has helped a great deal.

I don't know where to start with this blog, I do not really even feel like writing, but my dear friend Lisa said I should continue, as one day she says, this is how I will make my living, through my writing, and writing about the stuff that changes peoples lives, stuff that makes them stop and think.

So, where am I now? Not in a good place still, some days it feels like I am getting back to my old self, just for a little part of the day.

Some people still ask why do I feel like this, as if there must be a reason? So still the message does not get through, as I said in my earlier blog there may be lots of reasons why a person my feel low, but normally we get through, pick ourselves up, and get on with it. Except when our brain has a chemical imbalance it takes an enormous amount of strength to pick ourselves up, our brains are on shut down, and no matter how much some days we try, its just not happening.

Just the slightest stress is sending me spiralling at the moment, never mind any big stress!. Having to think about to many things is a major problem, trying to remember what I said a few moments ago, kids asking me whats for tea? and at the same time what are we doing tomorrow? Sees me run from the room in floods of tears, as my mind tries to process the answer and fails. Then every one else is upset, because I am upset, because I am supposed to cope, which makes me feel worse.

But sometimes there does seem some light, and even some future plans, which is a good sign, but that comes and goes. I keep going out weather I feel like it or not.

Last week I was my at my lowest , there were a number of upsetting events, which came to a climax on Friday, the clock in my head was ticking again, and was on countdown. By Friday morning I knew I was out of control, but nothing could stop me, I did my market, and no one was any the wiser as to what was going on in my head. I had a dead line, and my deadline depended on other people, never a good move, as you can not depend on other people to be in the right place at the right time.

After arriving at my destination at my chosen time, the people concerned were not there, so one tablet after another I swallowed, and every 15 minutes that passed I decided I would swallow more.I do not know how many of you out there believe in guardian angels, but I certainly have one watching over me. What I needed to happen did happen, and brought me back to reality, but it was a very close call.

In the cold reality of day it seems so stupid to contemplate such a thing, but my mind was in another place, a very dark and lonely, black place. It is almost shameful, I have a wonderful live, I have beautiful children, good friends, and most of the time my life is full of laughter and smiles, there are some tears, but mostly my cup is overflowing with the effervescence of good things to come. So why? All I can say is my mind lost its balance for a while there, and left me in a wilderness so bleak I lost sight of any reality.

To write this has its hardships, one of which is to try to explain to my children why this happens to me sometimes, and not to just me, as one in three people will at sometime in their lives suffer a period of depression for what ever reason. My children watch me fall apart, they see me hurting and they ask why? I hope my honesty will help them, and others to understand, and hopefully one day we will have a generation who will understand the depths that depression can take someone.

Although this blog is sad, the light is coming through and I am know it will continue, each day has its moments when I feel like myself again, may those moments increase each day a little bit more.

In contrast, and to show just how fast a depression can take hold I am now going to add a blog I had written ready to post just a month ago, did'nt I sound happy and full of life. Hopefully my next blog will see me back there again.

Never a dull moment.

No sooner was I back from Australia than it was time to fly off to the uk for the renewing of marriage vows of my good friends Lisa and Mags.The marriage was in Bristol at a very nice country hotel, Lisa had asked me to do a reading at the ceremony, even though I hate public speaking, for them I agreed, but Lisa being Lisa, and running round like a headless chicken before the wedding, did not give me the reading till just before the ceremony! Arghhh!, not a simple reading, but half a page of very deep and emotional words!    I have to say the two gin and tonics before hand did help!

The ceremony was lovely and Mags managed to not collapse in a heap of nerves. Then followed the wedding breakfast, where  a mad moment came over me at the time of the speeches, as there was no one from Lisa's family there, I felt someone had to say something, so up I got once again, public speaking! what the hell came over me!,so I told stories of how we first met and what a treasured  friend Lisa is, Mags also, and how much I am going to miss them both, when they leave for America.

Sally's boyfriend Adam was also with us, but at the time of booking the hotel it was not expected he could make it, so we had booked a room for me and Sally, on arrival at our hotel room we find a double bed! not two singles as hoped.  Adam, never short of a solution, went off for a wander and soon comes back hastily knocking on the door with a "Quick Quick" to open up, he has a bed in tow that he has sneaked out of a laundry room!

The evening party saw lots of dancing and getting to know another friend of Lisa's, who I had met only once before, her name was also Sally, she had been coming with a friend, but her friend was ill so she had come on her own.  On discussion about rooms, it was decided that I share a room with her and leave the two love birds to a room of their own. So at the end of the night off we toddled to her room at the top of the hotel, which turned out to be a very hot room, as we are lying there in this double bed, boiling hot even with a fan on, I say to her " well this is different" "do you share a bed often with a complete stranger" to which we both fell about laughing at the situation we found ourselves in.

Two weeks later my a friend Margaret  and her son Jordan arrive to spend a week with us in France, what a fun packed week we had, it started on the night they arrived with the Bal de Pompiers," Fireman's Ball", there may have been a few too many red wines! but what a fun night, George was mortified that his mother got down on the floor in front of about 13 young men to do that rowing dance, only to find it had turned in to a surfing dance and young men were being passed over our heads!, ( don't actually remember much about that!)  I was rescued a couple of times by firemen ( always handy to have around when the floor moves!!)  We arrived home at 4am so everyone a little tired next day.

The following day was Bastille day and a open air Rock opera at the local town castle was the evening plan, there again we find ourselves in a predicament, Margaret and I decided we would get a good view if we sat on a wall, spying a good spot we try and scramble up, but find its to high, so she gives me a leg up, then I would help her up, well apart from giggling to much, I could not get her up, so some kind gent helped her up, nearly throwing her over the wall! after about an hour and a half,her legs had gone dead, and I felt that if I attempted to jump off, I would most likely leave my dress attached to the wall, so we were stuck, until my friend Heather called to ask where we were? to which I had to reply, that we were stuck on a wall, and help!

Friday night we were invited to Heathers to eat with other friends, again a different night, we ate outside and then Karaoke was decided, so out comes the laptop and everyone joins in the fun,  we all chose a tune and sang it if we wanted to or we all sang, George was very impressive with a solo rendition of "Nicleback, How you remind me" what a good voice he has, Max also did well. I gave it my best shot with John Lennon's "Imagine". Thinking about this afterwards I am struck by how little times change, Karaoke with a group of friends is just like a modern-day version off the old days when family and friends would sing together. It also struck me how being here seems to bring out stuff like this, where everybody feels more relaxed and able to give it a go, young lads of 15 and 13 would not be seen dead singing at a night out with a group of adults in the uk, where street cred is all important.